Talking Smart!

It's been awhile since my last blog. In this time I have been thinking about everything that has happened to me. I know I was in a place last time where I was angry and frustrated with life and pain and most of all God. But I had 2 conversations that have change my point of view. The frustration is there but the anger in gone. 

My first conversation was with my Bro-in-law, Miguel. It was a conversation that changed me. I could tell he didn't like that I thought about committing suicide. I could see the disappointment and I guess fear in his eyes. He made me realized that I still had my faith. My faith is what is still carrying my through this time. I know coming from a former youth minister hearing that is nothing new but in my pain and my anger I felt I was losing my faith. That my anger and rebellion towards God was changing me to a person I didn't recognize. But Miguel said something that made me stop and think. "Maybe God has built up your faith all your life through your ministry for this time in your life so that you will make it through such a hard time for you."  That was it such a simple logical statement that changed my life. 

The second conversation, a few days later, I had was with my old Youth Coordinator Delfie. Delfie is so spiritual and in touch with God but I knew she would understand what I was going through. About 30yrs ago she had got Multiple Sclerosis (MS) for something like 4-5 yrs she got to the point where she couldn't move, sit or do anything on her own and she contemplation suicide  but like me the only reason she didn't was because of her Catholic beliefs. So I was able to share with her that I had also thought about suicide. She told me that God had a plan. Before my talk with Miguel I would have rolled my eyes and zoned out. But I listened and she told me sometimes we suffer to bring others to God's glory. She used her story as an example. 

Now don't get me wrong I'd heard her testimony millions of times but this was like hearing it for the first time. She told me how Mr. G (her hubby) would spend most of his time with his friends & she had stopped going to church. If God wouldn't have allowed her to go through the MS her family would have been completely different. They one day she went to Austin for a retreat where people were being healed. A priest came to her and prayed over her and the pain she had been in for years was instantly gone. Slowly from that day forward she got better and better and now her MS is completely gone.

After the MS they all dedicated their lives to God and spreading His message. They both have touched so many lives of adults and teens all around the US & Mexico. They are part of the National Youth Service Committee, they are the Youth Coordinators for the Charismatic Renewal Center here in SA. Their children have grown up with God in their lives and have taught their children to do the same. 

She said maybe God was allowing this to happen to me to change the lives of my family or maybe it was for someone I don't even know. It was not easy to accept with grace and without complaining, but she said I just needed to trust in God. I only saw the here & now but God can see the whole picture, the end result and He would take care of me. 

Huh?

I don't understand God. I know I'm not supposed to understand Him but I cant help but try. 

I don't understand how there are people out there in the world who are selfish, mean to others, do drugs, break Gods & mans laws constantly. They have great lives. They live in huge homes, have tons of money, and are healthy. 

Yet here I am I have been doing ministry since I was 8yrs old. I was always involved in church and went to Mass every Sunday like a good Catholic. I was in youth group then became a youth leader and eventually I became a youth minister. I worked a a parish with a youth group of over 30 teens and also help with the arch-diocese of San Antonio. I was part of a team who did retreats every Sat for confirmation students, I help coordinate annual youth conferences and quarterly youth rallies. I did this all and yet here I am sick, in pain, and I am tired of it all.  What is God's reasoning for this? 

I just don't get you God!!!

Sick & Tired

 My hip has been hurting progressively worse since September. I went to my pcp, she had blood work & x-rays done, then referred me to an orthopedics specialist.  I called to confirm an appointment they said they would call me with the date. When I would call to see what was taking so long there was no answer so I left messages. I never got a call back. When I went to the hospital in Dec for the PH, my hip was hurting so bad the doctor ordered x-rays and found nothing so they sent another referral to the orthopedics & one to the muscular-skeletal specialist. Again I called and nothing. I have left millions of messages since October that I got the first referral.

A week and a half ago I woke up and tried getting out of bed and the pain in my hip and leg was so bad I could not move. My dad heard me crying and tried to help me out of bed but I couldn't. He called my mom and she brought me some ibuprofen. I tried to move again but it hurt so much. We ended up calling EMS and they carried me out and I spent the day in ER taking x-rays and having blood work done. Again they could find nothing wrong so I was given morphine for the pain, a prescription for Ultram & Valium, and guess what yet another referral to the ortho then sent home. I have been in so much everyday. I can walk now but my hip is in constant pain. I was finally able to talk to a human with the ortho specialist and she said my referral was denied on Dec 9th and I had to go to my pcp for treatment. I called my PCP and she was going to look into it and then I called my PH specialist bc she really wants my hip well for my walk tests in order to check on the progression of my PH. Friday I received a call from the ortho specialist, they found a current referral and she would call me this week with an appointment.

I want this pain gone! The Ultram & Valium make me sleepy so I don't take it during the day. I am just so uncomfortable at all times. This is ridiculous really. Like having PH is not enough I have to add this hip pain to my long list of medical problems. I hate having this shit going on. If I wasn't so Catholic I'd just kill myself... just kidding everyone. Don't start freaking out on me!!! It's not that bad but I am frustrated with everything going on in my life. When will it end?

Brick Walls!

Do dreams really come true? 

Can you really be anything you wanna be when you grow up?

When you're little people always ask: What do you wanna be when you grow up? My answer for as long as I could remember was a Pediatrician. I had a plan I was going to go to the University of the Incarnate Word (UIW) on a scholarship then I was going to go to John Hopkins University school of medicine. My future was all planned out. It was gonna be great.

When do your dreams get derailed? What was the exact moment when my dreams became a fantasy? I don't know how my plan changed how my future hit a brick wall, made a 90 degree turn and never got on track again. I ended up going to community college in El Paso for a year then came home & went to work before I knew it I was 26 and sick. So now I want to go back to school finally. I want to go to...

  

Cosmetology is something that in the last few years I have become very interested in. I have colored my mom's hair and several of my friends too. I even gave a friend a hair cut. It wasn't very good but she was alright with it. I have even done perms on my mom, grandma & aunt. But I hit another brick wall! Being sick I may not be able to go bc of the Social Security disability. Also because I get too tired some days to go anywhere. My parents are worried that the smells of the hair color and perms will bother my lungs. 

   

So now I'm looking into on line classes I can take. I love to write and have been writing short stories and "books" since I was really young. So I'm thinking maybe  I could be an English/ Lit major. So I can eventually be a published author. That is something I could easily do from home on my own schedule.  So now I just need to do the "foot-work" to get into school.

 I still don't know exactly what I will become when I grow up 

but I need to start before I hit another brick wall.

I'm ready for a new beginning!!!

SPORTS GIRL!!!!

I am a girly-girl sports girl, if that makes any sense. Most of my posts on Facebook are about my sports teams. This year has been the best year for my teams! I wants all the games I can. Here are my favorite sports teams & players.

My soccer team is Santos from Torreon. My dad is from Torreon and when he was young he would go play soccer with his friends in the stadium. Last year they build a new stadium, which is said to be the best in all of Mexico.  My players are Felipe Baloy & Christian Benitez. 

Benitez                                                                    Baloy

My football team is the New England Patriots!!! It started with me being in love with Tom Brady. But then I started watching the games and realized they are the best team. I want this bracelet, oh it's so beautiful!!!

 Go Patriots! #1 Fan Charm Bracelet

Brady

Last but not least is my favorite sport and my favorite team ever. I have been super in love with the Spurs since I was in 3rd grade. I was part of a lunch buddy program in elementary school. The lunch buddies we were partnered with all worked at a bank down the street from the school. For Christmas we went to have breakfast and a secret Santa at the bank. Well the surprise guest secret Santa turned out to be David Robinson (#50 of the SA SPURS!). After the gift exchange we all went to have breakfast. When my lunch buddy Linda & I got to the table there were no more chairs. Mr David Robinson got up and gave me his chair and Linda brought more chairs. He sat next to me and we talked the whole time. He gave everyone a press photo and signed it for each of us. My parents lost that picture when we moved. It was a sad day in my life. He was my first crush ever and he still holds a special place in my heart! I have been a die-hard Spurs fan since. I have meet Tim Duncan also in 2004 at a gas station. I got his  autograph & picture. 

Best team EVER!!!

Tony, Manu & Tim

The big Five-0!

 It's amazing how time flies and you don't even realize it. The older you get the faster time flies. I think life goes on turbo and the clock keeps moving forward. I wish we could slow it down. When my sister & I went to buy the b-day cake for our dad she was shocked to find out he was turning 50!

My Daddums

My dad has been so amazing; he's the type of person who is guaranteed to make you laugh. Growing up he was always joking around with us. When we were little he'd go outside and play ring-around-the-roses with my sister & I. We would have so much fun all the time. I remember one summer my sister and mom went to El Paso but I wanted to stay with my dad. He would take me to Brackenridge Park everyday to ride the train around the park. I have the best Daddums in the world and I'm proud to call him mine! My sister may disagree  but he is mine.

Train in the Park

HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY!!!

Christmas!

This year for me Christmas was a new experience. My sister just got married on 10.10.10 and my parents & I were having all of her in-laws (about 25 people) over for Christmas. I started decorating the whole house the weekend after Thanksgiving.  

Main Table

Our Soccer Restroom

My mom's handmade & painted Nativity

 homemade this wreath

Then a week before our Christmas Eve Party I started baking all the cookies. I had never baked before. I love to cook but baking has never been my thing. The first cookies were peanut butter but they were horrible (made them twice both bad). I kept baking all kinds of cookies: coconut macrons, oatmeal, empanadas (grape, cherry & pumpkin filling), Mexican wedding cookies, spritz cookies, and snicker-doodles. They were all yummy, even if I do say so myself.  :-)

My cookies!

The next thing I tackled was the appetizers. I wanted something creative and several different small dishes. I made a cheese dip, fruit-kabobs, side-kabobs (idk what to call them), and boneless wings.

Appetizers

Side-Kabobs

Fruit-Kabobs

  The party was a huge success! Everyone loved everything we did. After we ate we celebrated my brother-in-laws b-day (which is the 24th) with a Baskin Robins cake. 

He opened his b-day gifts then we had our family gift exchange; where I got a great scrap-booking kit!

Gift exchange gifts!

Then we sang Christmas Carols in Spanish. My Bro-in-law's parents are Spaniard but he and his brothers were born in Puerto Rico. We ended the night playing games. Loteria which is like a Mexican bingo and a white elephant game (but we had all new gifts). I had a great time with the family. I love them all so much. They have accepted us as part of their family which is great. 

Family Time!

Loteria Cards

Once everyone left my parents, sister, brother-in-law and I opened all our gifts. We had a wonderful time! I can't wait till our next family get together. We always have a blast.  

I hope Everyone had a Blessed Christmas full of love, happiness and family time!!!!