What's in my future?

graphic from andjustincase.blogspot.com

What's in my future?  I don't know.

Ten years ago I was a senior in high school. It's crazy how time flies. I remember writing, what felt like a million essays about where I'd be in ten years. Back then I said I would be in the process of becoming a doctor. I wanted to be a Pediatrician. I would have gone to Incarnate Word University then into medical school. (I know I blogged about this a while back ago)

 Anyway,  now here I am ten years later and I haven't even finished getting an associates degree. I had such high hope & standards for myself. I feel like I failed in some way. Getting sick had nothing to do with not accomplishing my goals. I only got sick about three years ago. So that is no excuse; neither is being a full time youth minister because may other youth ministers I know personally are going to school as well. 

Where did I go wrong? I'm not really sure I can pin point just one derailment.

graphic from Scripture Slides by Randall Bowman

 But the great news is with this second chance at life I'm going to live my dreams. By the grace & love of God I am still alive and with His help my dreams will become a reality.  I am in the process of starting school, I am almost able to registrar for classes, all I need to do is go to group advising and then I can registrar. It's so exciting. I'm not sure what major yet. 

I was looking on line at different job opportunities with the Pulmonary Hypertension Association. I would love to work there and help others with PH. I think that would be amazing. But I am leaving it all in God's hands. I want to live the life He wants. My plans totally failed so now I'm going according to His plan for my life. 

So What's in my future? Only God knows but it will be great!!!! 

Walking in NEW LIFE!!!

It has really been a long two months since my last post. I now have the Remodulin pump (named John) and to be honest I am feeling so much better. I haven't felt this great in over two years.


 It has been overwhelming to learn everything about the pump, learning to live with an iv & pump. I needed to relearn everything from sleeping on my back (which I still don't like) to how to shower. It's not easy or pretty to look at but my life is almost back to normal. 


These past two years has been a journey of growth. I have gone from fighting for my life to trying to commit suicide then back to find God again. I realize now looking back God didn't do this to me it was just part of life. It was a stumbling block. I don't have to fall because of this and give up. I need to continue fighting and working to adjust to my new "normal". 


For me life has a new meaning. I have gone back to doing youth ministry. I teach people about my battle & victory, and living with PH. Having my pump, John, is a great conversation starter and a wonderful way to bring awareness about OH and about my faith in God. God has given me this new change in life. I'm not going to disappoint Him.


I not only have begun doing youth ministry again, but am helping with a new young adult ministry. I am also going back to college (finally!) and I am planning a Fun Walk (SA PHun Walk 4 Hope) to raise funds for PH research. This is a whole new life for me and I am going to live each day to the fullest and the best of my ability.

Pump me up!

Central line & pump

Today a nurse will be coming to my house to teach me how to use a Remodulin Pump. Remodulin is a new medication I will be on. The pump will be attached to a "central line" (an iv on my chest that goes directly to my heart) and will be giving me my meds 24/7. I will be learning to mix my own medication and inject it into the pump. I don't know much about it but I'm really scared about it. I was told by my doctor that I will not be able to ever be off this pump because my heart will not be able to function with out the medication. I am so scared but I have been trying to be brave in front of my family because I know they don't want me to get the pump yet. But if I need it why postpone the inevitable? I just want to get it over with and move on with my life, hopefully this will give me a longer life. So, the nurse will be here today and also tomorrow then I'll be admitted into the hospital (in the ICU) for the procedure to be done. I'll remain in the ICU for a few days to be monitored while my medication is adjusted.

I'm so overwhelmed with everything. I don't understand why I keep having all these things happen to me. I have been feeling better in the last month since Sept '10. Yet I'm doing worse so I need this new medication. I don't understand this, and if I don't understand how is my family going to understand. I see how they can want to wait to get the pump but if the doctor says I need it then I"m going to trust my doctor and just get it done. We shall see how it all works out soon enough. I'll update with how the classes went soon. 

IT"S A GIRL!!!

My sister is having a little girl!!!! I am so excited. Everyone said it was gonna be a boy, even I said it was a boy, but I had been praying for a girl. They told me they were naming the baby after me. I cried like a baby, pun intended! She should be born in late October and I can't wait to meet her. She is going to be so loved. I'm so excited. Every store I go to I see something that she MUST have. I will be spoiling that little princess for as long as I can.

Lunch Divas

April 14, 2011

My best friend sent me a Facebook message inviting me to check out a new pizzeria, Deco Pizzeria. She read a great review in the news paper then looked it up on Facebook and every one commented how great it was. One review where the owners were interviewed stated that there was an hour wait for diner the previous week. So we made plans to check out this pizzeria. We were really excited to try this Italian food being Italian is our favorite. When we got there it was packed. Good thing right, normally the more people the better the food.  The food was disgusting, the service was non-existent. We had such a horrible experienced we ended up not eating the food and going to get a pizza at Chicago's Pizza. On our way to Chicago's I came up with the idea to start a Facebook page called Food Divas where we would try different restaurants (some of our faves too) and write our own reviews. Telling our friends the truth... according to the Divas! While setting up our new email address Food Divas was an already used screen name so we changed it to Lunch Divas. We are going to try to make our own logo. We shall see how that goes. 

 Here is our first review of Deco Pizzeria:

Diva #1: After reading so many rave reviews both on here and thru the web, I was very excited to try out this place with a friend. Sadly, we left the establishment more than dissatisfied. For starters, the service from the staff was terrible. And then the menu options we ordered weren't worth the price. I ordered the spaghetti and meatballs with traditional tomato sauce. The meatballs I had to pay extra were so tiny, they certainly didn't merit the extra charge. And as far as flavor goes there wasn't any. All you could taste was beef. The supposed traditional sauce was so spicy it almost bordered on being a marina sauce. The supposed garlic bread that came on the side was the saddest garlic bread ever. It was more like over-buttered soft bread that just added to my cholesterol. I've never been so disappointed in a meal before. I could easily name off 5 alternative places I could receive great food for the same price I spent on attempting to eat this crap. And that's just pathetic.

Diva #2: I ordered the Angel Hair pasta with the spicy Cajun sauce with 6 shrimp (also paid extra). The spicy Cajun sauce was not spice as a matter of fact if was flavorless. I had to add salt and still didn't eat it. The Cajun sauce also had mushrooms chopped into it. I do not like mushrooms so it would be nice to know ahead of time about them in my meal. I paid $2.75 for 5 (not 6) small salad shrimps, ridiculous. The garlic bread was soggy with butter and tasted of pure garlic. Gross! The best thing I ordered was the Sprite!!!
We both ordered a slice of combo pizza. The slice was so oily, crunchy, a bit burned, and didn't taste good overall. Diva #2 said it tasted like rubber, not exactly how you want your pizza to taste.
We ended up going down Chicago's Pizza and ordered a large 2-topping pizza for $6.99. It was amazing!!!

More reviews will be posted to Facebook. Out of our bad experience a great new joint venture was born. 

Don't forget to friend us on Facebook!!!

Movie-Book Club

So my best friends and I started a movie-book club. The idea is that we read book that will be made into books and then have a dinner party & then go see the movie. The dinner party is themed around the book. Here are some parties we have had:

Movie Poster

Book Cover

The Twilight Party was a huge shindig at my best friends house. She planned the whole party. 

Movie Poster

Book Cover

For the Eat, Pray, Love party three of us picked a country from the book and made a dish from that country. I chose Italy, my fave country ever! Then the my other friend brought desert from each country. 

We had a great time but none of  us liked the book or the movie. 

Movie Poster

Book Cover

We let this one slip through the crack. We didn't have a dinner party and we didn't see the movie.

 I don't even know if the girls read the book.

Movie Poster

Book Cover

I already read the book and the girls are reading it but for this book we have 2 new members my sister, and my best friends future sister-in-law. So our movie-book club has grown to 6 members!!!

Asian Celebration!

April 10, 2011

     My best friends and I have themed parties every so often. It was my turn to host a party and I chose an Asian theme. 

   I had been planning this party for my friends about 7 years ago; 2 of which were at this party. I had purchased all of the dinner ware and gift bag items as well as most of the decor. 

   I loved the dinner ware I had purchased. The black chopsticks were not easy to use and the soup spoons were to big. But it was a nice touch.

   My mom and I designed and made the table cloth for the main table, the cake table, and runners for the living room tables.  

   I wish the chairs would have been black. My original plan was to have the table raise a little bit off 

the floor and we would sit on decorative pillows. But with my sister and best friend being pregnant I didn't think it was such a great idea. plus my hips have still been hurting too much on some days. 

   I went to an Oriental store and found Asian candy to have on the living room tables and also for the gift bag. I loved the idea that they had the Asian writing on the wrappers. 

   My mom and I also made a Japanese cherry blossom tree. My hibiscus tree froze this winter so we used it for the cherry blossom tree. We made the flowers out of pink tissue paper and hot glued them to the branches of the tree. 

Practice Cake

   Mom and I had gone to a cake shop to have a cake made. While at the shop we came up with a design for the cake. I wanted the Asian fan I made for the invitation to be the cake topper and also incorporate the green of the dinner ware. They quoted me $60 for an 8" cake. We thought it was way to much. So We made our own cake. The weekend before the party I made marshmallow fondant and made the practice cake. Its as easy as Buddy makes it look on the Cake Boss. 

Official Cake for the party

The official cake turned out much better than the practice cake. The fan on top was identical to the fan invite. The invite was three pages that fanned out, the white page contained the writing with the party details. I loved the invite I made. I didn't take a picture of it, I guess I could because it was a cool invite, if I do say so myself. 

   Back to the cake on the front was Asian writing that meant "friendship" which I thought was perfect for this party since it was for my best friends.

   I forgot to take a picture of all the food I ordered for the party. The menu consisted of:

- Sweet & Sour Pork

- Kung-Pao Chicken

- Triple Delight

- Broccoli & Beef

- Lo-Mien Noodles

- Egg Drop Soup

- Fried Rice

- Pork Egg Rolls

- Spring Rolls

The food was amazing! We go to an Asian Resturant called Pengs. Normally it is closed on Sundays but the owner Mary has become a friend to us (we have been going there for at least 9 years) and agreed to make the food fresh for us on Sunday. She is amazing!!!

I am blessed to have such great friends and it was an honor to have my girls over for a dinner party. The thing that made me happiest was that my sister also joined us for the first time and then also joined our movie/book club. Great times with great friends making lasting memories!!!!! I LOVE YA'LL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Forever & A Day!!!

Wow it really has been forever and a day since I've blogged. What can I say so much has happened in the last few months. Lets see where to start...

Well my sister & best friend are both pregnant!!! I'm really excited but its a bitter sweet feeling. I can't have children so this is the closest I'll get to being a mom, I'm an Auntie!!! I am very excited but at the same time it hurts for me to shop & look at baby things. Knowing I'll never have this experience. I'll never feel a baby growing in me. I'll never shop for baby things I want for my little one. So shopping for my sisters & best friends baby if fun but it is also extremely hard. I have had a lump in my throat every time I see baby things. Or even when I'm in the same room and her them talking about the baby. I hate being like this. I don't want to be jealous of them or make them feel bad but my heart breaks a little more every time. All I can do is be a great Auntie to both little baby's.

My best friend is having a boy,Julian. He will be born in July. Mt sister is due in October but we still don't know the sex of the baby. This is an exciting new chapter for these two loving women. I pray God blesses them both and helps guide them to be wonder mothers to amazing children. But this is a chapter in my life that will never be written and I need to learn to be ok with that. God help me too!!!!

Talking Smart!

It's been awhile since my last blog. In this time I have been thinking about everything that has happened to me. I know I was in a place last time where I was angry and frustrated with life and pain and most of all God. But I had 2 conversations that have change my point of view. The frustration is there but the anger in gone. 

My first conversation was with my Bro-in-law, Miguel. It was a conversation that changed me. I could tell he didn't like that I thought about committing suicide. I could see the disappointment and I guess fear in his eyes. He made me realized that I still had my faith. My faith is what is still carrying my through this time. I know coming from a former youth minister hearing that is nothing new but in my pain and my anger I felt I was losing my faith. That my anger and rebellion towards God was changing me to a person I didn't recognize. But Miguel said something that made me stop and think. "Maybe God has built up your faith all your life through your ministry for this time in your life so that you will make it through such a hard time for you."  That was it such a simple logical statement that changed my life. 

The second conversation, a few days later, I had was with my old Youth Coordinator Delfie. Delfie is so spiritual and in touch with God but I knew she would understand what I was going through. About 30yrs ago she had got Multiple Sclerosis (MS) for something like 4-5 yrs she got to the point where she couldn't move, sit or do anything on her own and she contemplation suicide  but like me the only reason she didn't was because of her Catholic beliefs. So I was able to share with her that I had also thought about suicide. She told me that God had a plan. Before my talk with Miguel I would have rolled my eyes and zoned out. But I listened and she told me sometimes we suffer to bring others to God's glory. She used her story as an example. 

Now don't get me wrong I'd heard her testimony millions of times but this was like hearing it for the first time. She told me how Mr. G (her hubby) would spend most of his time with his friends & she had stopped going to church. If God wouldn't have allowed her to go through the MS her family would have been completely different. They one day she went to Austin for a retreat where people were being healed. A priest came to her and prayed over her and the pain she had been in for years was instantly gone. Slowly from that day forward she got better and better and now her MS is completely gone.

After the MS they all dedicated their lives to God and spreading His message. They both have touched so many lives of adults and teens all around the US & Mexico. They are part of the National Youth Service Committee, they are the Youth Coordinators for the Charismatic Renewal Center here in SA. Their children have grown up with God in their lives and have taught their children to do the same. 

She said maybe God was allowing this to happen to me to change the lives of my family or maybe it was for someone I don't even know. It was not easy to accept with grace and without complaining, but she said I just needed to trust in God. I only saw the here & now but God can see the whole picture, the end result and He would take care of me. 

Huh?

I don't understand God. I know I'm not supposed to understand Him but I cant help but try. 

I don't understand how there are people out there in the world who are selfish, mean to others, do drugs, break Gods & mans laws constantly. They have great lives. They live in huge homes, have tons of money, and are healthy. 

Yet here I am I have been doing ministry since I was 8yrs old. I was always involved in church and went to Mass every Sunday like a good Catholic. I was in youth group then became a youth leader and eventually I became a youth minister. I worked a a parish with a youth group of over 30 teens and also help with the arch-diocese of San Antonio. I was part of a team who did retreats every Sat for confirmation students, I help coordinate annual youth conferences and quarterly youth rallies. I did this all and yet here I am sick, in pain, and I am tired of it all.  What is God's reasoning for this? 

I just don't get you God!!!

Sick & Tired

 My hip has been hurting progressively worse since September. I went to my pcp, she had blood work & x-rays done, then referred me to an orthopedics specialist.  I called to confirm an appointment they said they would call me with the date. When I would call to see what was taking so long there was no answer so I left messages. I never got a call back. When I went to the hospital in Dec for the PH, my hip was hurting so bad the doctor ordered x-rays and found nothing so they sent another referral to the orthopedics & one to the muscular-skeletal specialist. Again I called and nothing. I have left millions of messages since October that I got the first referral.

A week and a half ago I woke up and tried getting out of bed and the pain in my hip and leg was so bad I could not move. My dad heard me crying and tried to help me out of bed but I couldn't. He called my mom and she brought me some ibuprofen. I tried to move again but it hurt so much. We ended up calling EMS and they carried me out and I spent the day in ER taking x-rays and having blood work done. Again they could find nothing wrong so I was given morphine for the pain, a prescription for Ultram & Valium, and guess what yet another referral to the ortho then sent home. I have been in so much everyday. I can walk now but my hip is in constant pain. I was finally able to talk to a human with the ortho specialist and she said my referral was denied on Dec 9th and I had to go to my pcp for treatment. I called my PCP and she was going to look into it and then I called my PH specialist bc she really wants my hip well for my walk tests in order to check on the progression of my PH. Friday I received a call from the ortho specialist, they found a current referral and she would call me this week with an appointment.

I want this pain gone! The Ultram & Valium make me sleepy so I don't take it during the day. I am just so uncomfortable at all times. This is ridiculous really. Like having PH is not enough I have to add this hip pain to my long list of medical problems. I hate having this shit going on. If I wasn't so Catholic I'd just kill myself... just kidding everyone. Don't start freaking out on me!!! It's not that bad but I am frustrated with everything going on in my life. When will it end?

Brick Walls!

Do dreams really come true? 

Can you really be anything you wanna be when you grow up?

When you're little people always ask: What do you wanna be when you grow up? My answer for as long as I could remember was a Pediatrician. I had a plan I was going to go to the University of the Incarnate Word (UIW) on a scholarship then I was going to go to John Hopkins University school of medicine. My future was all planned out. It was gonna be great.

When do your dreams get derailed? What was the exact moment when my dreams became a fantasy? I don't know how my plan changed how my future hit a brick wall, made a 90 degree turn and never got on track again. I ended up going to community college in El Paso for a year then came home & went to work before I knew it I was 26 and sick. So now I want to go back to school finally. I want to go to...

  

Cosmetology is something that in the last few years I have become very interested in. I have colored my mom's hair and several of my friends too. I even gave a friend a hair cut. It wasn't very good but she was alright with it. I have even done perms on my mom, grandma & aunt. But I hit another brick wall! Being sick I may not be able to go bc of the Social Security disability. Also because I get too tired some days to go anywhere. My parents are worried that the smells of the hair color and perms will bother my lungs. 

   

So now I'm looking into on line classes I can take. I love to write and have been writing short stories and "books" since I was really young. So I'm thinking maybe  I could be an English/ Lit major. So I can eventually be a published author. That is something I could easily do from home on my own schedule.  So now I just need to do the "foot-work" to get into school.

 I still don't know exactly what I will become when I grow up 

but I need to start before I hit another brick wall.

I'm ready for a new beginning!!!

SPORTS GIRL!!!!

I am a girly-girl sports girl, if that makes any sense. Most of my posts on Facebook are about my sports teams. This year has been the best year for my teams! I wants all the games I can. Here are my favorite sports teams & players.

My soccer team is Santos from Torreon. My dad is from Torreon and when he was young he would go play soccer with his friends in the stadium. Last year they build a new stadium, which is said to be the best in all of Mexico.  My players are Felipe Baloy & Christian Benitez. 

Benitez                                                                    Baloy

My football team is the New England Patriots!!! It started with me being in love with Tom Brady. But then I started watching the games and realized they are the best team. I want this bracelet, oh it's so beautiful!!!

 Go Patriots! #1 Fan Charm Bracelet

Brady

Last but not least is my favorite sport and my favorite team ever. I have been super in love with the Spurs since I was in 3rd grade. I was part of a lunch buddy program in elementary school. The lunch buddies we were partnered with all worked at a bank down the street from the school. For Christmas we went to have breakfast and a secret Santa at the bank. Well the surprise guest secret Santa turned out to be David Robinson (#50 of the SA SPURS!). After the gift exchange we all went to have breakfast. When my lunch buddy Linda & I got to the table there were no more chairs. Mr David Robinson got up and gave me his chair and Linda brought more chairs. He sat next to me and we talked the whole time. He gave everyone a press photo and signed it for each of us. My parents lost that picture when we moved. It was a sad day in my life. He was my first crush ever and he still holds a special place in my heart! I have been a die-hard Spurs fan since. I have meet Tim Duncan also in 2004 at a gas station. I got his  autograph & picture. 

Best team EVER!!!

Tony, Manu & Tim

The big Five-0!

 It's amazing how time flies and you don't even realize it. The older you get the faster time flies. I think life goes on turbo and the clock keeps moving forward. I wish we could slow it down. When my sister & I went to buy the b-day cake for our dad she was shocked to find out he was turning 50!

My Daddums

My dad has been so amazing; he's the type of person who is guaranteed to make you laugh. Growing up he was always joking around with us. When we were little he'd go outside and play ring-around-the-roses with my sister & I. We would have so much fun all the time. I remember one summer my sister and mom went to El Paso but I wanted to stay with my dad. He would take me to Brackenridge Park everyday to ride the train around the park. I have the best Daddums in the world and I'm proud to call him mine! My sister may disagree  but he is mine.

Train in the Park

HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY!!!